rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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