Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
