I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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