Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have aggressive nipples.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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