i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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