First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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