i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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