Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
God gave him joint rollers for hands
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
