just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
