weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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