I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize