We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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