I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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