I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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