New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize