There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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