idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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