Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
