I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
