I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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