I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
