I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
