saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
