He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
