I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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