Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
