The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize