last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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