just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
