Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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