My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He better not be in your backpack
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
