I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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