The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
