girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
