the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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