toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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