woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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