Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
