i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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