I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
