The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
