We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
