could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
