saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
