tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
