You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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