Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
