Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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