she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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