Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
