I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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