There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just cropdusted the office
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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