mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize