I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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