She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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