we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
