She announced her abortion via fbk
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
