census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
