I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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