The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
