I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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